Limit privileges for bad drivers

A common sentiment among fearful drivers is that a great way to protect yourself on the road is by driving the largest vehicle you can possibly afford. This fearful feeling as created a horrendous trend of vehicle size inflation -- if most other people are driving full-size sedans, you'd better drive an SUV so that you can "win" should you be in an accident. Too many SUVs out there? You'd better upgrade to a 6,000 pound Toyota Sequoia.

Under my dictatorship, licensed drivers will be classified into a few different tiers based on their driving record. A freshly licensed 16-year-old will fall into the lowest tier, as well as those with numerous accidents and/or traffic violations. Drivers in that tier would be limited to driving vehicles that are 3,000 lbs are less, essentially limiting them to Mini Coopers and the like. The longer you go with no accidents or infractions, the larger vehicles you can drive. Only the drivers with the most pristine driving records would be permitted to drive a Hummer.

Not only would bad drivers be less dangerous to others, but the nation on the whole would consume much less gas as average vehicle size deflated.

Manufacture an alien conspiracy

I was raised to believe that all people are created equal. I was brought up thinking that as my generation rose to power, we would usher in racial and sexual equality. (Or at least equal opportunity.) I thought that our culture was infected with bigotry and that education and awareness would "cure" it. While that might be true to a very small degree, over the years I came to realize now how naive that hope was.

People need hatred. One of their greatest desires is to feel like they belong to a tribe, and in order for that to mean anything, their tribe has to be exclusive. Rather than go on a Tyler Durden-esque rant to try and convince the citizenry that they are not special, I will fabricate the existence of a hostile alien race.

I can only imagine the unprecedented level of camaraderie that will be experienced in the wake of the country learning that we have big scary aliens to fear and hate. Haters will go from seeing those damn border jumpers trying to steal our hard-earned welfare as friendly and relatable. Because they belong to the same tribe.

Abolish "capital punishment"

I put it in quotes because that's a moronic way to phrase it.

To err is human, but to err when taking someone's life is absolutely unacceptable. Just because a group of people (e.g. a jury) can agree that someone ought to die doesn't mean it's right. (Read: every case of genocide ever.) I fully acknowledge our need to protect society from dangerous people, but there are plenty of alternatives to taking lives. Cheaper alternatives at that.

It's time to get with the program.

Name the country

Upon taking over the United States of America, my first order of business will be to give it a proper name. I realize that our forefathers were somewhat busy and distracted at the time of our founding, but really. Introducing yourself with a ten-syllable description would induce suspicion of mental illness in most situations. "Hello, have we met? I'm the self-righteous, sarcastic IT geek. No no, that's my given name."

Which gives rise to another problem -- our country's lack of a name gives its inhabitants a lack of a label. Sure, we say that we are American, but at the end of the day we're no more American than Bolivians. Proudly declaring that you live in the western hemisphere just isn't specific enough by today's standards.

I'm presently taking suggestions on a name. Right now it's a toss up between Disneyland and India.